Were you always like this?

A dear friend has continuously told me, recently, how easy going I am and how I seem to exhibit low anxiety. 

I WAS NOT ALWAYS LIKE THIS......

My heart was hardened early in life, not an excuse, but it contributed to assisting me to develop a people pleasing personality.  Yup, me a pleaser, to everyone. I mean, not just make people happy, but 

make myself look perfect.  I had a mindset that I had to be perfect and if I couldn't be perfect than I would perceive to be perfect. 

perfect relationships, perfect employee, perfect friend,

perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect daughter, perfect sister,

perfect christian

It wasn't just the attitude of achievement and perfection, there was an underlying of fear.

Fear of people finding out what I really was made up of.  This is a sad mixture 

and resulted in depression and anxiety.

Stressing about always having a perfectly clean home just in case anyone stopped by uninvited

was ruthless.  Who was I kidding nobody wanted to come into a CRAZY woman's house

-not even my children or husband.

I barely knew who I was because I spent so much time trying to be what others 

wanted me to be, that I became miserable and controlling. I never had close friends

that wasn't my style.  When things were starting to go bad it was much easier to walk away; 

I had nothing invested in them.

It wasn't until recently (few years ago). That I realized that I can't control anything even though I want to.

So, I started to let go of some of that grip.  

The grip I held on to for all circumstances and outcomes.

I began to listen very intently to the Holy Spirit....and I prayed.

I prayed a prayer not many would thing of praying. I prayed that God would

cut into my ungrateful heart and make me whole.

This journey didn't happen overnight.  Some looking from the outside in might describe

 it as ugly and messy.  Many have told me how stupid I was for praying

my simple prayer, but I still pursue, I seek, I hunt, I chase, and I desire

God and everything that HE is.

I am leaps from where I was but still have a long way to go because He 

continues to promise me that He will renew my strength and saturate

me with peace.

Besides this isn't my story, I am only here to help tell the story.

In the same way the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26

Be careful of how you live- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Ephesians 5:15-16