Sticky Identity (Sticky Faith part 3)

Identity formation is affected by brain development.  

For us as parents, our high school graduation was the opportunity to put into practice our emerging self- our ideas, dreams, and plans.  In comparison, many of today's mid-twenties college graduates have a hard time deciding what they want to do, much less who they are. In terms of identity and adult independence, today's 23yr old is often the developmental equivalent of a 17yr old in 1980.  Few scholars debate this point from the impact of technology to rapidly diminishing sense of meaningful community, but as human development change so quickly researchers scramble to keep up. Parents need to keep in mind that the world in which our kids are growing up in is far different from the world in which we grew up in and that changes everything for them.

In early adolescence, because thinking is still childlike and concrete, 

your child will not spend much time reflecting on her personal identity. 

 Your middle schooler might, by his behavior and attitudes, ask

 "Who am I?", but is not yet aware that this is what he is doing.  

At this stage, your child's biggest needs are to be affirmed 

and surrounded by safe and loving parents AND 

to have his choices and life protected by appropriate boundaries.

Right around 9th grade, as the brain shifts from concrete to abstract thinking and awareness,

 your child will show expressions of adult commitment 

and fleshed-out identity, 

however be warned that you will likely also 

see plenty of immature behavior. This might be the most confusing 

time for parents; sometimes your kid will astound 

you with adult like maturity, and simultaneously he will surprise 

you with an attitude or behavior that demonstrates the exact opposite.

As parents, our job is to know that all of this conflicting, inconsistent,

 and confusing behavior is ACTUALLY our kids' way of discovering 

who they are and making the commitments towards who they want to be.

Often time children shelf  their faith for a time

Some children become overwhelmed by what we call daily life management, managing school and social networks, that they tend to put their faith in hold for a time ( especially in college, when life is simply a series of disconnected events).  Because we are looking for consistency and growth, if and when we see our kids shelving their faith, we can feel like we are losing them.  But we have to remember that identity and faith formations a messy process of" 2 steps forward, 1 step back"

Okay so what does identity development have to do with Sticky Faith?

 EVERYTHING, because who we are as people,

 and how we grow up acting based on our sense of who we are, 

is directly connected to our faith journey.  To help our children develop Sticky Faith, 

it is our job first to understand their process of trying to discover who they are,

 and then to create the environment that supports this discovery and commitment process.

People are hounded by a single question throughout their live:"Who am I?" 

Most answer that question...

I am what I do, I am what I control, and I am what others say about me...

But the answer to the single most important question affecting all of humanity, "Who am I?" is the message of Jesus and the Bible.

 Our children have been created, redeemed, 

and called to live as God's precious and beloved children. 

So, do your best to remind yourself and your kids that each one of them is a profound gift from God, and we are His somewhat flawed dispensers of grace to them.

Remembering to treat each child as an individual.

The concept of identity includes both a personal dimension (who I see myself to be as distinct from others) and a communal dimension (who am I as connected to others).  Our culture too often focuses only on our own sense of self (who I want to be), but a rich sustainable faith recognizes that as I walk in community with God's people, I ultimately discover who I am. You can build a Christian community around your kids a in a number of ways, the point is to build a network of caring believers who will pray for, mentor, and bless your children with their presence over the course of their lives.  Also, do your children a favor and explore with them how their family has shaped them (both its environment and its genetics).

-Help your children grow through hardship.
-Use extracurricular activities to explore identity (treat each sport or any other activity as an opportunity to use our gifts, passions, talents, and relationships for God's Kingdom purposes)
-Affirm Character growth more than academic achievement.
-Model  a relationship with God


Some questions to answer....

What are some ways you define yourself growing up? How were they helpful to you as you grew older? How where they hurtful?

How hard is it for you to see yourself as the beloved child of God?  How easy is it for your child?

Name some ways you can emphasize who your child is (beloved by God) rather than what your child does.  How would this emphasis change your approach to your child's extracurricular activites or academic achievement?