Sticky Identity (Sticky Faith part 3)

Identity formation is affected by brain development.  

For us as parents, our high school graduation was the opportunity to put into practice our emerging self- our ideas, dreams, and plans.  In comparison, many of today's mid-twenties college graduates have a hard time deciding what they want to do, much less who they are. In terms of identity and adult independence, today's 23yr old is often the developmental equivalent of a 17yr old in 1980.  Few scholars debate this point from the impact of technology to rapidly diminishing sense of meaningful community, but as human development change so quickly researchers scramble to keep up. Parents need to keep in mind that the world in which our kids are growing up in is far different from the world in which we grew up in and that changes everything for them.

In early adolescence, because thinking is still childlike and concrete, 

your child will not spend much time reflecting on her personal identity. 

 Your middle schooler might, by his behavior and attitudes, ask

 "Who am I?", but is not yet aware that this is what he is doing.  

At this stage, your child's biggest needs are to be affirmed 

and surrounded by safe and loving parents AND 

to have his choices and life protected by appropriate boundaries.

Right around 9th grade, as the brain shifts from concrete to abstract thinking and awareness,

 your child will show expressions of adult commitment 

and fleshed-out identity, 

however be warned that you will likely also 

see plenty of immature behavior. This might be the most confusing 

time for parents; sometimes your kid will astound 

you with adult like maturity, and simultaneously he will surprise 

you with an attitude or behavior that demonstrates the exact opposite.

As parents, our job is to know that all of this conflicting, inconsistent,

 and confusing behavior is ACTUALLY our kids' way of discovering 

who they are and making the commitments towards who they want to be.

Often time children shelf  their faith for a time

Some children become overwhelmed by what we call daily life management, managing school and social networks, that they tend to put their faith in hold for a time ( especially in college, when life is simply a series of disconnected events).  Because we are looking for consistency and growth, if and when we see our kids shelving their faith, we can feel like we are losing them.  But we have to remember that identity and faith formations a messy process of" 2 steps forward, 1 step back"

Okay so what does identity development have to do with Sticky Faith?

 EVERYTHING, because who we are as people,

 and how we grow up acting based on our sense of who we are, 

is directly connected to our faith journey.  To help our children develop Sticky Faith, 

it is our job first to understand their process of trying to discover who they are,

 and then to create the environment that supports this discovery and commitment process.

People are hounded by a single question throughout their live:"Who am I?" 

Most answer that question...

I am what I do, I am what I control, and I am what others say about me...

But the answer to the single most important question affecting all of humanity, "Who am I?" is the message of Jesus and the Bible.

 Our children have been created, redeemed, 

and called to live as God's precious and beloved children. 

So, do your best to remind yourself and your kids that each one of them is a profound gift from God, and we are His somewhat flawed dispensers of grace to them.

Remembering to treat each child as an individual.

The concept of identity includes both a personal dimension (who I see myself to be as distinct from others) and a communal dimension (who am I as connected to others).  Our culture too often focuses only on our own sense of self (who I want to be), but a rich sustainable faith recognizes that as I walk in community with God's people, I ultimately discover who I am. You can build a Christian community around your kids a in a number of ways, the point is to build a network of caring believers who will pray for, mentor, and bless your children with their presence over the course of their lives.  Also, do your children a favor and explore with them how their family has shaped them (both its environment and its genetics).

-Help your children grow through hardship.
-Use extracurricular activities to explore identity (treat each sport or any other activity as an opportunity to use our gifts, passions, talents, and relationships for God's Kingdom purposes)
-Affirm Character growth more than academic achievement.
-Model  a relationship with God


Some questions to answer....

What are some ways you define yourself growing up? How were they helpful to you as you grew older? How where they hurtful?

How hard is it for you to see yourself as the beloved child of God?  How easy is it for your child?

Name some ways you can emphasize who your child is (beloved by God) rather than what your child does.  How would this emphasis change your approach to your child's extracurricular activites or academic achievement?
 
 

Sticky Gospel (Sticky Faith part 2)

Many kids are unable to define Christianity when you ask what would you say being a Christian is all about?
When our children are taught what it means to live as a Christian, typically they receive a list of what to do and what not to do. Philosopher Dallas Willard coined a phrase that sums up the way too many of us think of faith, calling it the "gospel of sin management". History has brought us to the point where the Christian message is thought to be essentially concerned with only how to deal with sin: with wrong doing or wrong being and its effects. Remember kids are not learning this concept in a vacuum. They are learning this from us, from the gospel we believe, talk about, and most of all, model to them everyday. Our kids are mirrors of our attitudes and beliefs.

Kids need to discover what it means to trust Christ. At the heart of Sticky Faith is a faith trusts in God and understands that obedience is a response to that trust in EVERYTHING. As we guide our kids to understand Sticky Faith, every decision, every thought, every action comes down to one simple question: In whom do I place my trust?

The Sticky Gospel reminds us that our focus is to trust, and God promises to work within us at every stage of process- by strengthening our trust, by giving us peace and patience as we wait for our lives to be transformed and by actually changing us from the inside out.

The theme of focusing first on internal transformation instead of external behavior is echoed by Paul in Philippians 3:1-14.  Paul calls his circumcision and his zealous pursuit of righteousness based on law "garbage" compared with knowing Christ.  In Philippians 3:12, Paul write that he will "press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me"

The outcome of a faith that is more concerned with working than trusting, or doing rather than freely living, is dangerous to young disciples. ( A performance-based Christianity can last only so long).  When Kids reach the awareness that they do not have the power or interest to keep the faith treadmill going, they will put their faith aside, this happens through failure, pain, insecurity, or inner wrestling with who is owner of their faith.
To help our kids discover and grab hold of a sustainable long-term, and vibrant Sticky Faith, we must stay true to the words of Jesus and heed the council of Paul: trust in the one the Father has sent, and live convinced that the only that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

In some of us, trusting this process in our kids can be hard.  We tend to want outcomes that are immediate and measurable.  When our kids don't seem to get what we think they ought to know or do or be, we can easily fall into a "because I told you to, that's why!" mentality.

Our jobs as parents throughout this process is twofold:
* First we help our kids learn to trust God and create the kind of environment where they are able to explore faith and trust while practicing their freedom to respond in love.

* Second, we model an unconditional, nonjudgmental, and ever-embracing love in which our kids can do nothing that jeopardizes or even lessens that love.

LET'S ADMIT THIS IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE.........

So the all-important question, then that puts wheels on the Biblical call to trust God to change us from the inside out is, "What does it mean to trust God?" or "How do we put this into practice every day?"

Three ways to help foster this kind of faith:

-Teach your kids that obedience is our response to trusting God
      
 -Frame all family discussions and activities as opportunities to know and trust Christ

                 *For many Family devotions are genuine, sincere, and enjoyable times to focus on God together, especially when kids are younger.  As kids get older, family devotions can sometimes become exercises that are more about getting through the ritual than a way to encourage our kids to talk about God as a family.  When kids reach middle school or so, the MOST PRODUCTIVE kinds of family devotions are often those that are less rigid and scheduled, and more organic and even spontaneous.

-Respond with grace when your child misbehaves

        *Default with compassion, whatever the offense your child is not doing this to get at you.  Even in the most egregious of situations, remember that they are, at the core, suffering, and they need you to care. As Jesus cares for us in all we go through, so we too are dispensers of His grace.

        *Don't Panic, there are very few issues you will face as parents that are irredeemable, even the BIGGIES.  Regardless of the circumstance, becoming overly distraught or emotional, especially within earshot of your child, only heightens your child's sense of dread, fear and shame. Remember Paul's words in Philippians 4:6-7

Some Reflection Questions:

What is the biggest obstacle to helping your child understand that the primary call of the Christian is to trust Christ? Describe where this is a difficult concept for you, and where it lines up with what you already believe and practice.

As stated obedience is the response to trust, why is it bettter to begin with trust and than respond through obedeince? Is it ever good to go the other direction: obey first and hope that trust follows?

How do you see your child's faith in light of this overview?  Where do you see them growing in what it means to trust Christ, and where do you see them living out of the do's and don'ts of Christianity?

Sticky Faith Part 1

Well I started reading this book, to help assist me in building lasting faith in my children. While many of my friends are involved in a study around this book, I thought we could do some note exchange.  There are only so many hours in a day so I figure if I can get someone else to read a book for me and highlight the most important concepts she got out of it in exchange for some of my notes, BY GOLLY I WILL!!

Anyways, think you as a read of the blog also get to benefit right?

The 1st chapter is full of statistics of why kids faith isn't sticking, by this they mean why do 40-50 % of kids who graduate from church or youth group will fail to stick with their faith in college. Yup that's right, get all your kids together with their friends and start counting off, one, two, one, two, one ,two..... you get it....now look at all the ones, they will not stick with their faith YIKES!

The authors Kara Powell, PhD and Chap Clark, PhD help define "sticky faith".

1. Stick Faith is both internal and external. Sticky Faith is part of a student's inner thoughts and emotions and is also externalized in choices and actions that reflect that faith commitment.

2.Sticky Faith is both personal and communal.  Sticky Faith celebrates God's specific care for each person while always locating faith in the global and local community of the church.

3.Sticky Faith is both mature and maturing. Sticky Faith shows marks of spiritual maturity but is also in process of growth.

 They wrote more about the influences that our children have growing up in the church and concluded that the way we, as parents, express and live out our faith may have a greater impact on our children than ANYTHING else. Well, if that shook you like it did me, keep reading! 

 

 It's never too late or too early to make a lasting impression of strong faith on our children.  Remember Sticky Faith is maturing, so like you my faith is still developing and will continue for my lifetime, therefore it is never too late to be more intentional in your parenting and the faith you model and discuss with your kids.

As for too early, the reality is that your kids' faith trajectories are formed long before 12th grade, so why not start young.

Some questions to think about:

- How does it make you feel to think that you are the most important influence on your child's faith?

 

- As you think about parenting thus far, what have you done that has contributed to your kids' faith? What do you wish you had done differently?

 

- What do you think of the suggestion that parents trust the Lord with their kids and beg the Lord to build Sticky Faith?

more adventure......

APPLAUD:  7 Ways to Praise Your Husband for 7 Days

Day 1: A – Appreciate those physical attributes that attracted you to your husband in the beginning.  Maybe it is still his biceps, or that dark hair, or those intriguing eyes…whatever it is, take notice and tell him!

Day 2: P – Praise his character traits that wouldn’t be visible unless he acted on them.  Some ideas of these types of characteristics are his merciful heart or grace-giving or gentle spirit.  Acknowledging the actions you adore that come from your husband’s character will be much appreciated!

Day 3: P – Promote his position as the leader of your home.  From the time my children have been born, we get excited when Daddy arrives home from work.  No matter what time of day, we drop everything we’re doing and greet him at the door with hugs and kisses.

Day 4: L – “Like” your husband. And I don’t mean “like” him on Facebook.  Although that’s a great idea also…    I mean like his interests enough to be able to compliment him about them.  For instance, when my husband goes for a run, upon his return, I simply ask, “How far did you go?”  And he shares his distance and times.  Then I compliment his distance or time.  Simple, purposeful conversation.

Day 5: A – Acknowledge his accomplishments.  Whether ministry or career or personal, celebrate achievements! Add an extra date night, make a special dessert for after dinner, or write a note simply saying how proud you are that he did it- whatever “it” happens to be.

Day 6: U – Understand the need for affirmation.  Be sensitive to a discouraging day at work or a personal disappointment and find a way to encourage his heart, even when you can’t praise an accomplishment.

Day 7: D – Determine to be positive in your conversations.  Often the “sludge” of the day can get piled up and dumped on your husband as soon as you see him at day’s end. Ease into conversation- I’m not saying you have to hide the sludge- because we both know he will smell it sooner or later.    But determining in advance to be optimistic about the Lord’s direction in an area will assist you in praising your husband even through difficult circumstances.

Why do you homeschool?

 A number of people have asked this question, especially after the Newtown CT tragedy, "Why do you homeschool?" 

So I thought I would mull it over and come up with an answer. I find it helpful to remind myself why I homeschool. I tend to doubt our decision often, sometimes I doubt my own ability to teach, sometimes I worry about social aspects, sometimes I’m just lazy and the thought of getting it all together is just overwhelming.  Please understand this is really more for me, so that when I have a bad day at school, I can look back and remind myself why we’re doing this. 

1. God. This is the number one reason: I am called. I believe the bible lays it out plainly for me. Ephesians 6:4 states: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Deut. 4:9 says “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” Proverbs 1:7“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” Deut. 6:5-7 says “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”This last one stuck with me because I wondered to myself, how am I to teach my children when we sit at home, when we walk along the road, when we lie down and when we get up if they are gone all day long? How can I hide God’s word in their heart if most of the opportunities happen when they are at school? How can I truly impress upon their hearts if I only see them at dinner and at bedtime?2 Cor 10:5 says “…bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ” How can I make sure they learn to bring every thought captive to Christ if they are spending 80% of their day with someone else?Isaiah 38:19 “The living, the living–they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.”Luke 6:40 states “A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.” Which teacher do I want them to be like?And finally, Romans 12:2 “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” I had to let go of preconceived notions of what I thought homeschooling looked like and realize that I do not answer to this world, but to Christ.Again, it came down to time: how can I teach my kids if they are not with me during the everyday ordinary comings and goings?

2. Opportunity: The opportunities for spiritual, character, academic, social, and family time when homeschooling are AWESOME! I truly believe the traditional American family is disintegrating. Its too easy to get caught up in the business of this world, running from one activity to the next … or whatever takes up our time… We can become so busy running around we forget to actually spend time together. Homeschooling affords our family the precious commodity of time. Time spent together, and frankly that’s really what our kids want from us, our time. It breaks my heart when I hear people say they can’t wait for school to start again, as if their kids are burdens. I sometimes feel that if my kids were in school I could get so much done! But I’m quickly reminded that ‘me time’ isn't in the Bible, well it is, its just referred to as ‘selfishness’. Then I am reminded how quickly time passes, and how few years we have our children with us before they move on to their own lives. If the average person lives say 85 years, then the 18 years our kids spend with us is less than 1/4 of their lives. I don’t want to look back and think I didn't spend enough time with them, and 3 hours a day just isn't enough for me.

3. Academically  At home, I can make sure we have mastery of subjects, go at the right pace for each child, have one-on-one teaching, and I can tailor my curriculum to their needs.


4. Social: So that leaves me with my social reservations. I still struggle with the idea of this sometimes, and we have debated it over and over. I think I misunderstand the word socialization as that the notion that spending time with 30 other 6 year olds is in some way ‘socializing’ my child. I do think they need to spend time with friends, and we have committed to making sure our kids are involved in enough ‘outside the home’ activities like sports, dance, church, and homeschooling co-ops that we are confident that the amount of time our kids spend with others their same age is appropriate. Not to many activities though, we still focus on our family time as a priority. I hear so many homeschoolers say that they over-socialize.Considering my opinion means nothing, we have to ask ourselves what the bible says about socialization?Proverbs 22: 24-25 “Do not make friends with the hot-tempered, do not associate with those who are easily angered; or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.”1 Cor 15:33 Do not be mislead: “bad company corrupts good character.”

5. Our Goals: We asked ourselves “What do we want our children to look like when they have finished their formal education? In Luke 2:52 it says “And Jesus grew in wisdom and in stature, and in favor with God and men.” We want them to learn to trust in the Word of God, to have it hidden in their heart. We want to train them in the way they should go, so it may go well with them. We want them to be healthy, confident, and to know they are beautifully and wonderfully made. We want them to keep their childlike faith, and we want them to be a light in this world. We want them to “always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks [them] to give the reason for the hope that [they] have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” (1 Pet 3:15) We want them to be confident, to have good manners, to be compassionate, to be respectful, and to be humble in spirit.

That’s a tall order for a teacher, and frankly I’m not sure they’d be able to comply at our local school. Honestly, I’m not sure I can do it either, but I’d rather trust God to work through us than leave it up to a stranger.

Making a Habit

So, everyone is has these ideas at the beginning of the year to make new habits, whatever it might be.... and I decided through this naming of the year I too should learn a new habit...

I want to challenge myself, so I am going to say "I trust Jesus" in response to whatever happens to me. Some say it takes 30 days to change a habit others say only 28 but I think there might be more involved.  I did find this

The time you need to commit depends on three factors:

  how difficult the new habit is to do, 

how often you do it, 

and how much it clashes with your current habits.

 Imagine a piece of paper with a very deep crease. Mastering a new habit is like ironing out the old crease and reinforcing a new one--it takes time. "It will become a habit if you just hang in there," Heidi Grant Halvorson, psychologist and author of Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals (Hudson Street Press, 2010).

So, world bare with me while I form my new habit of trusting Jesus.  Hoping that through this simple practice I will learn to see Him in every situation and acknowledge His sovereign control over the universe.  When I take this new skill I hope fear loses its grip on me, I hope to receive blessings gratefully, and I hope to strengthen my relationship with Jesus.

^{Psalm 63:1-8}

 You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,

     my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

 I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory. 

 Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you. 

I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands  

I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night. 

Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

New Years Gifts..........

Christmas has come and gone.

Family has come and gone.

Traveling has come and gone.

And now it's me again... me and Him... And we've had a lot of time to talk lately...

Not because life has slowed down all that much (does life ever really slow down with 3 small treasures running around? :)... But I have felt drawn to him lately... drawn to His presence... Drawn to His peace...

I've asked Him what He would want this year for me to be about...

 And to be honest, nothing profound has captured my thoughts.

But one thing I keep finding myself coming back to...

 one thing that seems to keep taking over my thoughts as I do the dishes, as I dress the kids... and everyone's running wild looking for something other than the one thing that I asked them to look for which is usually the inevitable lost shoe... 

the one thing that I want to find myself lost in in this upcoming year.

Giving...

Giving not of monetary things...

 but giving of myself. 

Giving of my heart, even if (or especially if) the giving might force me to be vulnerable, or cause me to be stretched, 

or ask me to sacrifice, 

or lead me into humility...

So this year... for me...

Instead of a list of often unattainable resolutions...

I have a couple gifts... gifts that I would like to give... consistently, with joy, without reservation or fear, whole-heartedly, and with humble trust in the one who made me solely for His glory.

The first gift is for my children... To them I would like to give the gift of strong words.... 

Words that are helpful for building others up. 

Words that strengthen their hearts.

 Words that encourage them to be brave. 

Words that bring life to their souls.

 Words that bless and do not tear down.

 Words that live out the quiet, gentle Spirit of their passionate, loving heavenly Father.

This year I pray that the Lord would give me ample opportunity to choose wisely the words that come out of my mouth. I pray that He would give me restraint when anger falls on the tip of my tongue and I'm tempted to let harsh words pass through my lips. This year I pray that my words would be filled with kindness and compassion. (Ephesians 4:29-32)

This Lord, by your grace, is the gift that I would like to give my children.

And Second gift, for my Savior... 

To him it would be contentment with joy... 

whether on the beach or in the mountains, 

in an apartment or on a farm, 

eating steak or canned soup, 

feeling close or far apart...

 whether he gives generously or takes it all away... 

no matter the circumstance...

 I want to choose to be genuinely and joyfully content... 

for contentment, like love... is a choice, not a feeling. I may not always feel in love, but I can choose to love anyway. I may not always feel content, but I can choose contentment despite what I feel. In a world so often run off feelings, this has been (and still is) a challenge for me. 
But nothing is impossible with you Lord.

And so, this year...

for me its giving...

giving whole-heartedly,

vulnerably,

generously, without any reservations.

Naming the YEAR.....

This Year is the first Year that I will be naming the year. It's the practice of acceptance with joy. The art of living content right where He's got me.  But that was last year and boy would I do 2012 over again in a heart beat, but since I can't I will continue to practice acceptance with joy. Now keep in mind joy isn't just smiling through a situation, nope that's not what God asked of me last year.  He wanted me to experience great pleasure and genuine happiness with where I was and where I was yet to be. It was a difficult year to find joy in the everyday never mind the trials.

Sometimes I wonder if it just might be every woman's battle. What's natural, is me looking around and wondering why I don't have her talent, or her ability as a Mother, or her gift of living and breathing God's Word with her life. And so daily I have to purpose to thank Him for His perfect plan in making me just the way He wanted me to be, for this place in time, for these treasures, for my husband.

And oh how I give Him praise, simply by living content.

  

These moments. Contentment in the here and now. 

A few Years ago She named her year, The Year Of Here. Saying that

'The only place I can ever be alive is right here.

Be all here: and be holy. Be all here: and be happy. Because the Presence of I AM always fills the present moment.'

I'm tempted this year to do the same, but I will go out on a limb and name my year, "The Year of Adventure" as I continue to Praise Him by accepting with great joy, all that He gives.

Happy 2013 the Year of Adventure